[All lobsters are aluminum.]
I am a collector of irrefutable statements.[Lobsters once had polysaccharide exoskeletons and were filled with meat.]
[Lobsters now have a molecular structure identical to that of a soda can.]
A sizable portion of my collection is related to lobsters. You should not draw any conclusions from this.[People once believed the barrier between organic life and manufactured products was impermeable.]
[All lobsters are aluminum.]
Conclusions are anathema to principled collectors.[The first documented transitional lobster was a Pepsi can–polysaccharide hybrid. It was found off the coast of New Brunswick. It had a single claw of bright-blue aluminum marked with a partial Pepsi logo.]
This is one of the finest pieces in my collection. It can be traced to a verified Twitter post from as early as the teens. The detail and the provenance are unmatched outside major museums.[Contemporaneous commenters suggested that the claw of the first documented transitional lobster was not, cellularly speaking, a soda can. They hypothesized that it had been rendered soda-can-like by a transfer of paint from litter to crustacean or by an unnatural postlarval fusion.]
[There is no record of a commenter suggesting that the first documented transitional lobster had grown Pepsi-can cells.]
[There is no evidence that the first documented transitional lobster was seen as a harbinger.]
A great deal of research goes into each of my acquisitions.[The first documented transitional lobster was probably eaten.]
[The first documented transitional lobster was probably canned or bisqued.]
I am also a connoisseur of plausibility.[The first documented transitional lobster was probably canned or bisqued. A lobster with a Pepsi-blue aluminum claw would not have been rated grade A.]
I find plausibilities pair well with irrefutable statements.[The first documented transitional lobster was probably canned or bisqued. A lobster with a Pepsi-blue aluminum claw would not have been rated grade A. It would not have found its way into one of the finer seaside establishments to be cracked open and savored. It was most likely shipped to a factory, where a nonsentient shucking machine would have relieved it of its anomalous appendage without comment or documentation.]
[There is no Instagram evidence of the first transitional lobster being eaten.]
Irrefutable statements and plausibilities must be combined with care, to avoid synthesis.[The Atlantic lobster fleet had collapsed by the late twenties.]
[The Pacific lobster fleet collapsed no later than 2030.]
[The Atlantic lobster fleet had collapsed by the late twenties. The Pacific lobster fleet followed shortly thereafter.]
Irrefutable statements can be modified to create corollaries. Some collectors maintain this reduces the value of an irrefutable statement.[The Pacific lobster fleet collapsed no later than 2030.]
[The Atlantic lobster fleet had collapsed by the late twenties.]
[Entirely aluminum lobsters were first documented in the late teens or early twenties.]
[Transitional lobsters were first documented as early as the teens.]
By arranging statements with discernment, a collector can create what is known as a “timeline.” There are collectors who buy only those pieces that can add to or complete a given timeline. I am more of a generalist, though I do dabble in timelines now and then. We each must find a way to pass the remaining hours.[Aluminum lobsters will not mate with polysaccharide lobsters.]
[Pepsi-branded lobsters will not mate with Coca-Cola-branded lobsters.]
[Most lobsters are Pepsi-branded.]
Portions of my collection are tangential—but are no less beguiling for being so.[If a Pepsi-branded lobster did mate with a Coca-Cola-branded lobster, their offspring would be off-brand and barren, like mules—or Mello Yello.]
It is rare to find a collector who appreciates both irrefutable statements and conjecture. I have sometimes been called eccentric.[Mules are extinct. Once horses had transitioned entirely to a Starbucks-lid molecular structure and donkeys to drinking straws, they couldn’t even manage chromosomally aberrant offspring.]
I will not deny that I am unorthodox in my collecting habits.[The word “hypermutation” was first used by a celebrity on Snapchat in 2031.]
This is a replica of an irrefutable statement currently on display @smithsonian.[There is no known prophylaxis for hypermutation.]
[Some conspiracists believe that hypermutation is the unintended result of a beverage company’s R&D processes.]
[All lobsters are aluminum.]
[Pepsi has denied responsibility for hypermutation on its Facebook page.]
[Most lobsters are Pepsi-branded.]
[All lobsters are aluminum.]
[Pepsi has denied responsibility for hypermutation via Twitter.]
[No Tab-branded lobsters have ever been documented on Tumblr.]
[Pepsi has denied responsibility for hypermutation in a video chat with investors.]
[All lobsters are aluminum.]
[Most lobsters are Pepsi-branded.]
[Lobsters are Pepsi cans.]
One ought not handle irrefutable statements excessively. They are prone to corruption.[The majority of the water bottles in the first water-bottle atoll were Aquafina-branded.]
[Aquafina is owned by PepsiCo.]
[Pepsi has denied responsibility for hypermutation via Facebook, Twitter, and video chat with investors.]
[PepsiCo’s stock price fell precipitously in the quarter following the posting of the YouTube video of the first known water-bottle atoll.]
As I’ve said, conclusions are anathema to principled collectors.[A BuzzFeed robo-sub broadcast the first live video of hypermutation from the New Caledonia reef. The livestream of coral polyps extruding Aquafina bottles was eventually viewed at least two billion times.]
[No fewer than three of Aquafina’s competitors bought ad space on BuzzFeed during the livestream. Their ads asserted that their own bottling processes never led to spontaneous plastic-reef generation.]
[Water-bottle reef formations are widely known to be multibranded. Many are hybrid-branded, with logos conjoined and almost unrecognizable.]
[Hybrid branding is considered by most marketing professionals to be an insurmountable identity challenge.]
[Pepsi-branded lobsters will not mate with Coca-Cola-branded lobsters.]
[PepsiCo’s stock price has surged in the past quarter.]
An entire collection might be destroyed by exposure to a single conclusion.[The first water-bottle atoll was, for a time, something of a pilgrimage site.]
This is conjecture.[It was briefly fashionable for venture capitalists and hedgefund managers to arrange for their ashes to be sent to the atoll by drone drop.]
I do admit a weakness for conjecture.[The concentration of nonsynthetic human ashes around the first water-bottle atoll briefly preserved the hydrogen-oxygen seawater there.]
I have been told my weakness for conjecture is undermining my collection.[The composition of the human body was once thought to hold the key to resistance to hypermutation.]
I am unorthodox in my collecting habits.[Humans were once composed exclusively of oxygen, carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen, calcium, phosphorus, potassium, sulfur, sodium, chlorine, and magnesium. The exact proportions are not listed on Wikipedia.]
[There is no known prophylaxis for hypermutation.]
[All lobsters look like soda cans.]
[All coral reefs are made of plastic bottles.]
[The oceans are bubble wrap.]
[It is still possible to find commenters, in the depths of Reddit, who insist that hypermutation is a form of progress.]
[I have not eaten in more than four months.]
The inclusion of personal information in a collection is controversial.[The human body cannot digest plastic or extract nutrients from metals.]
[The Gates Foundation has funded more than three hundred studies on the treatment and prevention of hypermutation.]
[All lab rats are now window envelopes.]
I have never shied from controversy.[Nutrients are not required to maintain synthetic life.]
[I have not eaten in more than four months.]
[The composition of the human body was once thought to hold the key to resistance to hypermutation.]
[Human beings may experience the slowest rate of transition of any species.]
[The International Hypermutation Catalog ceased operations last year.]
[PepsiCo’s stock price has surged in the past quarter.]
[The Dow Jones Industrial Average has hit a record high in each of the past 342 weeks.]
Still, I can understand the perspective of traditionalists.[People once believed the barrier between organic life and manufactured products was impermeable.]
There is something satisfying about a pristine, unadulterated irrefutable statement.[People once believed the barrier between organic life and manufactured products was impermeable. Lobsters once had polysaccharide exoskeletons and were filled with meat. All lobsters are aluminum. Transitional lobsters were first documented as early as the teens. Entirely aluminum lobsters were first documented in the late teens or early twenties. The Atlantic and Pacific lobster fleets had collapsed no later than 2030. There were more than two billion views of the first livestream of hypermutation, in which coral polyps extruded Aquafina bottles. All coral reefs are water bottles. There is no known prophylaxis for hypermutation. The composition of the human body was once thought to hold the key to resistance to hypermutation. I have not eaten in more than four months. Nutrients are not required to maintain synthetic life.]
Yet there is something particularly human about synthesis.[The composition of the human body was once thought to hold the key to resistance to hypermutation. Human beings may experience the slowest rate of transition of any species.]
Synthesis is the leading cause of destruction of irrefutable-statement collections.[Lobsters are Pepsi cans.]
[Coral reefs are water bottles.]
[The ocean is bubble wrap.]
[Bedrock is Firestone tires.]
[Trees are Styrofoam peanuts.]
[Horses are Starbucks lids.]
[Donkeys are drinking straws.]
[Seeds are batteries.]
[Birds are latex balloons.]
[Flightless birds are Mylar balloons.]
[Buildings are Amazon Prime boxes.]
[The Dow Jones Industrial Average has hit a record high in each of the past 342 weeks.]
[It is still possible to find commenters, in the depths of Reddit, who insist that hypermutation is a form of progress.]
Thoughtful curation is what distinguishes a collection from a data dump.[A man in Indonesia claims he has been transitioning for more than seven years.]
[Dogs have been known to transition in as little as thirty seconds. Bored Panda contains more than two dozen videos of dogs hypermutating; none lasts longer than one minute.]
[The entire population of the world’s butterflies transitioned in less than fifty-four hours.]
[Dogs are rubber gloves.]
[Butterflies are cellophane wrap.]
Some critics maintain that the hand of the collector should never be seen in a collection.[The most common site of initial hypermutation in humans is the elbow.]
[In some humans, noses transition first. This is known as parachuting. The term likely arises from the resemblance between a transitioning nose and a plastic bag blowing in the wind.]
[Parachuting is most common in temperatures consistently above 110 degrees Fahrenheit.]
[Extreme cold has not been shown to slow the rate of transition.]
[A floating Antarctic storage pod maintained by NOAA contains no fewer than sixty frozen cotton-swab koalas.]
Another school of thought suggests the hand of the collector enriches the collection.[There is no known prophylaxis for hypermutation.]
[Hypermutation is not contagious, according to livestrong.com.]
[Amputation does not slow transition.]
It will not surprise you to hear that I value idiosyncrasy in a collection.[There is no pain associated with hypermutation.]
[The rate of transition varies from individual to individual.]
[A man in Indonesia claims he has been transitioning for more than seven years. His YouTube channel has more than eighteen million subscribers.]
I am a connoisseur of plausibility.[People once believed the barrier between organic life and manufactured products was impermeable.]
I have a weakness for conjecture.[Most humans, to date, are multibranded. Hybrid branding is also common.]
[Among reported cases of human hypermutation, the most common single brand is Dollar Tree.]
[There have been no reported cases of humans who have transitioned entirely to plastic bags. At least three cases are considered imminent.]
One can never hope to collect all the irrefutable statements in existence, much less all the plausibilities and conjectures.[SpaceX sent a crew of nonsynthetic travelers into orbit in the early sixties.]
[New Zealand closed its borders permanently in the early sixties.]
[There was a fad for hypermutation bunkers in the early sixties.]
[There is no known prophylaxis for hypermutation.]
[I have been transitioning for sixteen months.]
If one can never achieve a complete collection, then one must hope for a distinctive one.[The Cloud appears unaffected by hypermutation.]
[ICANN’s board of directors has been composed entirely of AI technology since the fifties.]
[The Google Trust archives corporate data in nonorganic solid-state storage units.]
[The Human Genome Project has not been admitted into the Google Trust archives.]
[[The most retweeted meme of the past year attributed to Albert Einstein a quote about the core of the Earth being composed of K-Cups.]
What is a collection, if not a digital fingerprint?[I have not eaten in four months. Only parts of me are starving.]
A collection, however flawed, is all that may yet distinguish an individual from the data stream.[Seeds are batteries.]
[Sunflowers are blister packs.]
[The Svalbard Global Seed Vault has denied on all social-media channels, including Grindr, that it has preserved a non-Styrofoam apple tree in a sealed chamber on an unnamed archipelago in the North Pole Sea.]
[The Nordic Genetic Resource Center has denied that the Svalbard Global Seed Vault exists.]
[If the Svalbard Global Seed Vault does exist, it is unlikely to contain any organic seeds. A recent HuffPo poll found that most survey takers believe the Svalbard Global Seed Vault is full to the brim with batteries, both alkaloid and lithium.]
I am unorthodox in my collecting habits.[Sunflower fields regularly burst into flame.]