CONJUNCTIONS:31 Fall 1998
Anton Chekhov
A MERCHANT FROM the First Traders Guild of Moscow had just
returned from the Nizhgorod Fair, and in his pockets his wife found
a bunch of torn and tattered papers covered with smudged writing.
She managed to make out the following:
Dear Mr. Semyon Ivanovitch:
Mr. Khryapunov, the artiste you beat up, is prepared to reach an
out-of-court settlement of 100 rubles. He will not accept one kopeck
less. I await your answer.
Sincerely, your lawyer, N. Erzayev.
To the brute who dares call himself a trader:
Having been insulted by you most grossly, I have relegated my complaint to a court of law. As you seem incapable of appreciating who I am, perhaps the justice of the peace or a public trial will teach you to respect me. Erzayev, your lawyer, said that you were not prepared to pay me a hundred rubles. This being the case, I am prepared to accept 75 rubles in compensation for your brutish behavior. It is only in lenience for your simple-mindedness and to what one could call your animalistic instincts that I am prepared to let you off so cheaply. When an educated man insults me, I charge much more.
Khryapunov, artiste
...concerning our demand of 539 rubles and 43 kopecks, the value of the broken mirror and the piano you demolished in the Glukharev Restaurant...
...anoint bruises morning and evening...
...after I manage to sell the ruined fabrics as if they were choice merchandise, I plan to get totally soused! Get yourself over to Feodosya's this evening. See to it that we get Kinma the musician-- and spread some mustard on his head--and that we have four mademoiselles. Get plump ones.
... concerning the I.O.U.--you can take a flying jump! I will gladly proffer a ten-kopeck piece, but concerning the fraudulent bankrupter, we'll see what we shall see.
Finding you in a state of feverish delirium due to the excessive intake of alcohol (delirium tremens), I applied cupping glasses to your body to bring you back to your senses. For these services I request a fee of three rubles.
Egor Prykov, Medical Attendant
Dear Semyon, please don't be angry--I named you as a witness in court concerning that rampage when we were being beaten up, even though you said I shouldn't. Don't act so superior--after all, you yourself caught a couple of wallops too. And see to it that those bruises don't go away, keep them inflamed...
1 portion of fish soup. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 ruble, 80 kopecks
1 bottle of Champagne . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 8 rubles
1 broken decanter . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5 rubles
Cab for the mademoiselles. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2 rubles
Cabbage soup for the Gypsy. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 60 kopecks
Tearing of waiter's jacket. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10 rubles
...I kiss you countless times, and hope to see you soon at the following address: Fayansov Furnished rooms, number 18. Ask for Martha Sivyagina.
Your ever-loving Angelica
--Translated from Russian by Peter Constantine